Anxiety and Advent.

The smallest of tasks and the most mundane of decisions become larger-than-life under the magnifying power of anxiety.

Last week it was contemplating putting Skype dates with friends on the calendar. Many days it comes with thinking about the chores that must be done. It accompanies me when making a $5 purchase, causing me to worry about running out of money.

Anxiety is stealing so much from me, and I’m only beginning to realize the corners it cuts and the little bit of joy it steals from every activity. More nights than not, I sit in bed and berate myself for the unhappiness. Surely I should feel happier, should feel satisfied in the work I’ve done. Maybe I don’t feel satisfied because I haven’t done enough.

I am thoroughly broken, thoroughly human, torn straight down the middle, divided against myself, and never quite able to get the paste to bring it back together.

Anxiety never leaves me. I know when I am anxious, and I can tell you just what it does to me, but that knowledge doesn’t stop it coming.

And then there’s Emmanuel.

…

The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world. We are halfway out of the dark.

Darkness is here. Around and within. That we can easily tell. But so is the light.

I appreciate Advent because it meets me where I am with my anxiety, discontent, and futile attempts at self-sufficiency and shows me Christ. I am only human, only broken down the middle, but He is fully human, fully God.

One of my biggest failings is that I try too hard. Especially in my adulthood, when it feels like it’s really all on me, and the burden of living is all mine. But I have a present God, who is with me at all times, ready to help me take a deep breath.

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.”

…

This is a season of coming.

While my mind spins frantically, God is coming. He is unceasingly meeting my needs long before I knew them. While I am broken, God is coming to put me back together with His perfection. While I am casting about for things to fill my hands with to save myself, God is gently removing them and placing His hand in mine.

We have a God who comes.